I'm Busting Out!

I was at dinner with friends Christmas day.  My cell phone rang once.  I ignored it.  It rang again, so I answered it.  That is the understanding I have with the girls.  If you need me and it is not a good time for me to talk, I will not answer.  But if you really need to talk to me, call me right back and I will answer.  So when I rang the second time, I excused myself and took the call.  They just wanted to know my whereabouts and when I would be joining them.  When I returned to the table, I chuckled and told my friends that it was my parole officers.

Last spring I went to prison.  It was a prison that I created myself.  I locked myself away behind thick walls of self-preservation.  The divorce had almost destroyed me, and I could not risk that ever again.  My life would be centered primarily around my girls.  They did absolutely nothing to deserve the devastation that came into their lives.  It would be a win-win situation.  If I focused my life on them, I thought that somehow I could compensate for the loss they had experienced.  At the same time, I knew that I could pour everything I had into them, because they would never hurt me.  Once, when asked what my hobbies were, I joked and said, "Catering to my daughters' every whim."   It was a joke; however, there was far too much truth to this statement.

This was dysfunction at its best.  There is only One who can compensate for loss in someone's life.  Loss is like a bottomless pit.  The more you pour into it, the deeper it seems to get.  There is nothing on this earth that can satisfy it.  I know this seems hopeless, but it truly is not.  There is one way to fill the void.  It is a deeper, inward relationship with Jesus Christ.

Please take a moment and read the following passage.  Read it slowly and take it all in.

Psalm 139 (GOD’S WORD Translation)

For the choir director; a psalm by David.

O Lord, you have examined me, and you know me.
  You alone know when I sit down and when I get up.
  You read my thoughts from far away.
  You watch me when I travel and when I rest.
  You are familiar with all my ways.
Even before there is a single word on my tongue,
  you know all about it, Lord.
You are all around me—in front of me and in back of me.
  You lay your hand on me.
Such knowledge is beyond my grasp.
  It is so high I cannot reach it.

Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?
Where can I run to get away from you?
  If I go up to heaven, you are there.
  If I make my bed in hell, you are there.
If I climb upward on the rays of the morning sun
  or land on the most distant shore of the sea where the sun sets,
  even there your hand would guide me
  and your right hand would hold on to me.
If I say, “Let the darkness hide me
  and let the light around me turn into night,”
  even the darkness is not too dark for you.
Night is as bright as day.
  Darkness and light are the same to you.

You alone created my inner being.
You knitted me together inside my mother.
  I will give thanks to you
  because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made.
  Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.
My bones were not hidden from you
  when I was being made in secret,
  when I was being skillfully woven in an underground workshop.
Your eyes saw me when I was only a fetus.
  Every day of my life was recorded in your book
  before one of them had taken place.
How precious are your thoughts concerning me, O God!
  How vast in number they are!
  If I try to count them,
  there would be more of them than there are grains of sand.
When I wake up, I am still with you.

I think I know my girls better than anyone else.  I gave birth to them and have watched them grow into the beautiful young women that they are today.  However, as close as I am to them, I can not even begin to understand them like this.  This understanding of our innermost beings is what it takes to fill that endless void. The greatest way that I can help my girls overcome the loss is to encourage them to run to their Heavenly Father.  To find ourselves and be satisfied, we must first lose ourselves in Him.

So, I have busted out of this jail.  Of course, I will be there for my children whenever they need me.  But there has to be a balance.  I have to establish my new life, and they have to establish theirs.  We will walk together as we rebuild.  We will help each other out when times get tough.  But ultimately, we will understand that at the end of the day, when we are all alone, we must run the One who knows us best!