She happily set free her heart!

I think someone should write a book, Life According to Greeting Cards.   I read another one recently that made me smile.  "And after all that, she was surprised to find that she still knew the words to the song in her heart...and she began to sing along."

I have never owned a bird.  My crazy friend, Ellen, used to have a pet bird.  It loved her husband, hated her, and cursed like a sailor.  They were not on good terms, to say the least.  Ellen is a member of a Red Hat Club.  When her sweet southern belle friends would come over, she would have to cover the birdcage so he didn't humiliate her.

Life threw a blanket over me last spring and eclipsed me in complete darkness.  I could no longer hear the song in my heart.  The words and the tune were both just distant memories.

Slowly but surely, they came back.  Friends have helped me find them and have even sung them to me at times. Tonight I was a bit melancholic.  I was thinking that this time last year, life was normal.  My ex-husband and I joined friends for dinner, and then we went briefly to the Pelican Drop.  It was a little too wild and out of control, so we just came home and ushered in the new year quietly.  The girls were camping with our friends, so it was just the two of us.  I guess it was the proverbial calm before the storm.  My heart sang that night.  I was a soft, quiet song that told a story of a good life.  I had no idea that the song would be silenced in the coming weeks.

Tonight I do not long for that relationship.  I initially thought that I would always love him and never be able to move on.  However, God has completely released me from the relationship.  I wish him all the best in life.  That is easy to do now because I have moved on.  So the melancholy does not stem from longing for "that" relationship.  I am just sad for the loss of our traditional family.  I am so thankful that I serve a God of redemption.  Without Him I would be forever stuck in this state of melancholy.  Through His grace I am able to break free from those moments that would try to hold me captive in despair.  He has already given me glimpses of the life to come.  I don't know what it holds, but I know it will be good.

I allowed myself a few moments of remembrance today, and then I changed my thoughts.  I sang my heart out.  It was a beautiful song with a beautiful melody.  It told the story of a woman who had suffered great loss, but through the loss she gained much.  She has a contentment in her heart because she has all she needs: beautiful daughters, wonderful friends, and family that make her feel very special and loved.  It is a song of triumph!

In the corner of the greeting card, there was a line, "She happily set free her heart!"  I covered my heart last year and tried to hide it away from the world.  I told it not to sing because there was nothing about which to sing.  But the love in my heart could not be locked away.  It burst out, threw off the blanket, and started singing.  I tried to fight it, to no avail.  There was no choice left except to happily set it free.

Happy New Year, friends.  I pray that 2011 is a wonderful year for us all.

I'm Busting Out!

I was at dinner with friends Christmas day.  My cell phone rang once.  I ignored it.  It rang again, so I answered it.  That is the understanding I have with the girls.  If you need me and it is not a good time for me to talk, I will not answer.  But if you really need to talk to me, call me right back and I will answer.  So when I rang the second time, I excused myself and took the call.  They just wanted to know my whereabouts and when I would be joining them.  When I returned to the table, I chuckled and told my friends that it was my parole officers.

Last spring I went to prison.  It was a prison that I created myself.  I locked myself away behind thick walls of self-preservation.  The divorce had almost destroyed me, and I could not risk that ever again.  My life would be centered primarily around my girls.  They did absolutely nothing to deserve the devastation that came into their lives.  It would be a win-win situation.  If I focused my life on them, I thought that somehow I could compensate for the loss they had experienced.  At the same time, I knew that I could pour everything I had into them, because they would never hurt me.  Once, when asked what my hobbies were, I joked and said, "Catering to my daughters' every whim."   It was a joke; however, there was far too much truth to this statement.

This was dysfunction at its best.  There is only One who can compensate for loss in someone's life.  Loss is like a bottomless pit.  The more you pour into it, the deeper it seems to get.  There is nothing on this earth that can satisfy it.  I know this seems hopeless, but it truly is not.  There is one way to fill the void.  It is a deeper, inward relationship with Jesus Christ.

Please take a moment and read the following passage.  Read it slowly and take it all in.

Psalm 139 (GOD’S WORD Translation)

For the choir director; a psalm by David.

O Lord, you have examined me, and you know me.
  You alone know when I sit down and when I get up.
  You read my thoughts from far away.
  You watch me when I travel and when I rest.
  You are familiar with all my ways.
Even before there is a single word on my tongue,
  you know all about it, Lord.
You are all around me—in front of me and in back of me.
  You lay your hand on me.
Such knowledge is beyond my grasp.
  It is so high I cannot reach it.

Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?
Where can I run to get away from you?
  If I go up to heaven, you are there.
  If I make my bed in hell, you are there.
If I climb upward on the rays of the morning sun
  or land on the most distant shore of the sea where the sun sets,
  even there your hand would guide me
  and your right hand would hold on to me.
If I say, “Let the darkness hide me
  and let the light around me turn into night,”
  even the darkness is not too dark for you.
Night is as bright as day.
  Darkness and light are the same to you.

You alone created my inner being.
You knitted me together inside my mother.
  I will give thanks to you
  because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made.
  Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.
My bones were not hidden from you
  when I was being made in secret,
  when I was being skillfully woven in an underground workshop.
Your eyes saw me when I was only a fetus.
  Every day of my life was recorded in your book
  before one of them had taken place.
How precious are your thoughts concerning me, O God!
  How vast in number they are!
  If I try to count them,
  there would be more of them than there are grains of sand.
When I wake up, I am still with you.

I think I know my girls better than anyone else.  I gave birth to them and have watched them grow into the beautiful young women that they are today.  However, as close as I am to them, I can not even begin to understand them like this.  This understanding of our innermost beings is what it takes to fill that endless void. The greatest way that I can help my girls overcome the loss is to encourage them to run to their Heavenly Father.  To find ourselves and be satisfied, we must first lose ourselves in Him.

So, I have busted out of this jail.  Of course, I will be there for my children whenever they need me.  But there has to be a balance.  I have to establish my new life, and they have to establish theirs.  We will walk together as we rebuild.  We will help each other out when times get tough.  But ultimately, we will understand that at the end of the day, when we are all alone, we must run the One who knows us best!

Remaking Memories

I am in Slapout visiting with several of my friends here.  It is always good to see them.  Astonishingly, we were able to reminisce over the year, and we could laugh.  I would have never dreamed that life could still bring me so much pleasure after all that has been said and done this year.

My friend, Sue, looked at me and said, "We have decided we are going to have a do-over weekend this year."  I knew exactly what she was talking about.  Sue, Karen, and Kristy are three of my friends from Slapout.  I love them dearly. It is hard to get all four of us together.  We all have teenage children going in every direction, and life just happens.  However, last January I called Sue and said, "I need you, Karen, and Kristy to come to your mom's condo and see me.  Don't ask why, and there are no excuses.  I need you all there."

They talked the whole trip down about what could possibly be going on in my life.  They came up with all kinds of scenarios from my being sick to a problem with one of the girls.  They never considered divorce.  It was not even the slightest whisper of a thought in any of their minds.  They finally decided that I was just tricking them.  In my past life I was known to pull a prank or two. (That part of me died for a while.  A word of caution to those close to me:  It is being revived!)  They assumed that I just wanted to hang out with them, and I acted like something was terribly wrong as a way to get everyone together.  I would walk in, smile really big, and say, "Gotcha."  We would then spend a weekend together, laughing and making memories.

It did not happen that way.  I walked in and looked at them.  I was about the size that I was in the 7th grade.  Sue looked at me and said, "You are so skinny.  You make me sick.  Why can't I look like that?"  I quietly said, "You don't want to look like this."   They stood there and watched their strong, feisty, and ever- mischievous friend crumble into a million pieces.  It was like Humpty Dumpty's fall.  We all wondered in that moment if I could ever be put back together again.

I shared what had happened, and they were speechless.  This was not happening.  They must be dreaming.  At the same time, I could see fear in their eyes.  Two of them are married.  If this can happen to me, is anyone secure in their marriage?  I cried.  They cried.  We were silent.  No one had any words to offer.  Finally, Sue looked up and said, "Mens are crazy!"  It broke the ice, and we could laugh a little, but a huge black cloud still hung over us, and there was a deep heaviness that made it seem difficult just to breathe.

We were in Gulf Shores, so we decided to shop.  Shopping is supposed to make everything better, right?  Nothing could help this.  Furthermore, the temperatures were in the 30s, and it was dreary and raining.  The climate perfectly reflected my life.  I was so tired.  Now I know that was depression.  Finally, we left and went to get something to eat.

If you are in Gulf Shores, you have to go to LuLu's.  We pulled up into the parking lot, and I don't know how or why, but a wave of grief washed over me, and I went under.  Sue was in the back seat.  I fell over in her lap and sobbed uncontrollably.  I could hear her whisper to them, "What do we do?"   Kristy was in the front seat saying, "Oh, why didn't I bring my Bible?  I could read some scripture to you."  I sat there for well over fifteen minutes, just crying.  I know they were beginning to wonder if we would be sitting there all day long.  I was still clinging to one lonely tissue that had been used up ten minutes earlier. Sue was desperately whispering to them, "She needs tissue."  They are scurrying around in the car trying to find something.  Finally, Sue offered me her scarf!  I start laughing a little.  About that time, Kristy turned around.  She was holding two tampons and she said, "Here stuff one of these up each nostril."  I went from crying hysterically to laughing hysterically.  Isn't it amazing how you can move from one emotion to the other?

The tears were not finished for the weekend.  More came at several other times, but for that moment they passed.  We went inside LuLu's and enjoyed a meal.  For a little while, I was okay.

Last night, we relived that weekend.  This time, however, there were no tears, only laughter.  Time really is an amazing healer, isn't it?  We have made a decision.  This year we are going to have a do-over.  We are going to plan a trip to Gulf Shores, but this one will be different.  I am now a healthier weight, but even more important, I am now a healthier soul.

We never know what life holds for us, do we?  But there is one thing I know.  It surely is a whole lot easier to travel the road with good friends by your side.

Romans 12:15 (New Living Translation)

Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.

I am so thankful for my friends who can not only be happy with me, but are willing to weep with me as well.  2010 was a year of much weeping with friends.  I am looking forward to 2011 and much laughter together!

I Want a REFUND!

I refuse to go to stores the day after Christmas.  If I have something to return, I surely hope it doesn't have to be returned within the week after Christmas.  I am out of luck if it does.  I will not go stand in line for two hours to exchange a sweater.  Most of the times, I will just deal with it.  However, occasionally, you get a gift that is so unsuitable that you are willing to wait all day and all night if you have to in order to return this ridiculous gift.  

This year I was given the gift of divorce, and I can assure you, I could have lived without it!  First of all, I made a list of what I wanted. I know for a fact that divorce was nowhere on that list.  I just hate it when you tell someone exactly what you want, and then they give you something that you never even mentioned.  Furthermore, on numerous occasions I had specifically said that I had no desire to ever own this particular gift.  But the items on my list were overlooked, and I was given a nicely packed divorce.  

This gift does not even come close to fitting me.  I am a forty-two year old mother of two teenage girls.  I am supposed to be guiding them through the windy roads of dating, not dealing with these roads myself.  Now if I could go back as a teenager and date, I would have this thing figured out.  I would be a pro.  But dating at my age is complicated, to say the least.  You see, as a teenager you just pick out a cute outfit and a matching purse, and you are good to go!  As an adult you pick out the perfect outfit, but then you have to make three trips to the car to carry all the baggage that has to go with you.  Once you lug it all out, you find that it barely fits because their baggage already fills up half the car.

In addition to the gift being something I didn't ask for and not my fit, it was very expensive.  Now while one would usually welcome a costly gift, I just couldn't appreciate it.  I don't mean to be ungrateful, I just would have preferred something like a car or maybe a dream vacation.      

Well, I wanted to return this gift.  I was even willing to fight in the long lines and deal with nasty, disgruntled employees.  I spent a great deal of time waiting just to find out that this gift could not be returned.  It was mine to keep, like it or not.  I argued and even made a little scene, to no avail.  I was stuck with it.  I was forced to keep it and just begin the process of stretching it here and there and making it fit.

I was leaving the store, and I noticed a book, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed.  I resignedly purchased the book.  If I am going to be stuck with this gift that I don't want, I may as well try to understand how to get the very best use out of it.  Slowly but surely, I am working with the gift and making it fit.  Since it is mine to keep, I may as well do the best I can with it.  While it still doesn't look great on me, I am beginning to make it work.  I just hope that I am not stuck with it forever.  I certainly don't want to give it to anyone else.  Trust me, this gift will not be regifted, but I would be more than happy to retire it at some point later on in my life!

John 16:33 (New Living Translation)
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

New traditions are the new traditions!

I have made it through another first.  I spent Christmas Day as a divorced woman without the traditional family that I had been a part of for twenty-one years.  There were many phone calls and texts checking on me to see if I was okay. I am so thankful for all these good friends. Amazingly, I was okay. I can attribute that primarily to the grace of God. If someone had told me back in the spring that not only would I make it through Christmas, but I would have an enjoyable day, I would never have believed him.  That, my friends, is God's beautiful redemption at its best!

I spent the day with a very good friend.  (I might add that he has a few kingly qualities about him.)  We enjoyed a wonderful Christmas dinner with very dear friends of his whom I had never met.  They graciously invited me into their home and made me feel like a part of their family.  I think that doing something completely new and different was a great source of comfort during what could have been  a difficult time. 

I love traditions.  There are some that we made this year that I hope we always keep.  I always get my girls a stocking and Christmas pajamas.  This year, they also got me a stocking and Christmas pajamas.  What a fun tradition.  I hope they will continue that.  (I am not above using the blog to drop a few hints.)

As much as I love traditions, when you go through a dark valley and lose someone in your life, new traditions can be a very helpful and healing way to deal with that loss.  So I started thinking that maybe my new tradition should be making new traditions every year.  Even if you haven't lost someone, it is a great way to make meaningful memories.  That was my experience this year.  I enjoyed a great day with a very dear person and made new friends.

I love to look through greeting cards.  I can spend hours reading them.  Recently, I picked one up that said, "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."  I liked that.  I could have done that on Christmas Day.  The day could have been spent focusing on what was and will never be.  But that is not healthy.  That is allowing yesterday to use up today and keep me from enjoying the wonderful experiences that God has to offer.

I was told by many people who have been through losses, whether death or divorce, that the first Christmas is the hardest.  They will only get better.  Well, in spite of everything that has happened in my life this year, I still had an enjoyable Christmas.  If they are only going to get better, then I have much to look forward to!

I ended the evening with my girls and my family in Echo.  There was much laughter, and a good time was had by all.  It was different, yes.  But it was okay and at the end of the day, I realized that I am okay as well.

Allow me to end with one more quote.  "Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here, we may as well dance."  It wasn't the Christmas that I would have ever hoped for in my past life, but dance I did, and it was a wonderful day.

Isaiah 26:3-4
People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.

The Longest Night of the Year

Tonight is the longest night of the year.  As I reflect, I think about the darkness that has come into my life this year.  We have lost a lot.  There is no doubt about that.  First and foremost, we are no longer the traditional family that God intended for us to be.  My Anna will not be able to get up on Christmas morning and run into the master bedroom and wake mom and dad up so that they can open presents. They celebrated with me tonight and will celebrate with my extended family Christmas night.  They will celebrate on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with their dad.  That is a great loss for all of us.  I have had and continue to have major financial setbacks.  According to a Harvard University study, divorce is the fourth leading cause of bankruptcies.  When you divorce, you spend thousands of dollars just on lawyer fees.  Then you have the same pool of money that is now supporting two households.  I have been very blessed.  God has provided, and I have used good money management skills.  However, it has not been easy and will get more difficult as I am about to send one away to college.

But I look at it like this.  The bad news is that tonight is the longest night of the year.  We will experience more darkness than any other day in the year.  The good news is that tonight is the longest night of the year.  Starting tomorrow, we will experience more daylight than darkness.

In the same way, I have gone through my longest night.  Yes, I have experienced great loss.  But the longest night has passed, and now there is more daylight than dark.  I have gained so much through enduring the darkness. Like every parent, I knew my girls were wonderful and amazing.  However, I now have newfound respect and admiration for these two precious daughters.  This divorce has woven a unique bond among the three of us that nothing will ever break.  Tonight, they gave me a stocking that they had carefully put together.  They surprised me with a gift card to one of my favorite stores.  Also stuffed in the stocking were four of my very favorite kinds of candy.  It was not an expensive gift, but it was a great treasure to me.  They found just exactly what they knew I would love.  You cannot put a price tag on that.

I have also been given the gift of friendship through the dark times.  I have always known that I had friends, but I now know the depth of their love for me.  I would not fully understand and comprehend that great love and dedication of others had I not gone through this past year.

I have received the gift of laughter and happiness.  Someone once said you don't appreciate your health until you don't have it.  In the same way, you cannot truly appreciate being able to laugh until you have walked through the valley and not been able to muster up even a chuckle at the most hilarious moments.  But when the day came that I could laugh again, it was a wonderful day.  Over Thanksgiving, my dad told us a story.  He said that he missed my mom.  She went to the back of the house and never came back.  He finally went back to look for her and found her asleep on the toilet. My daddy, in his very country accent, said, "I had to wake ya mama up while she was sittin' on the toilet sound asleep." I laughed until there were tears running down my cheeks.  Oh, I do hope my mother is not going to be angry with me for telling this.  If she is, maybe she will forgive me because it was a defining moment for me when I knew that I could experience the wonderful joy of a delicious laugh.

Finally, I have discovered an inner strength that I never knew existed.  I found something within myself that helped me drag myself out of the bed, go to work, and face another day.  Every day that I did that, that inner strength grew stronger.  I know without a doubt that it came from God at work inside me. There were times when I could not even pray, but I knew in my heart that He was with me, and He was giving me what I needed to get through the next day, or sometimes just the next hour.

Last January, I experienced a very long night.  That night continued to grow longer and longer. Eventually, there was little or no daylight left in my life.  Yet by persevering through the night, I gained much.  Now the longest night has passed.  Thanks be to God, my family, and my friends, daylight has come, and with it arrives a new day.

Psalm 30:5b (King James Version)
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

I also love the Message paraphrase:
The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.

Amen!

New Normal....New Traditions

"I am thinking about you this Christmas.  I know it is going to be a difficult time for you."  I have heard many such comments over the last few weeks.  I am so blessed to have people in my life who love me dearly.  I know that they mean it with all their heart, and they want to share my pain.  However, I am really doing okay.

Early on, a dear friend who had been through a similar journey explained the concept of a "new normal" to me.  Basically, nothing will ever be the same.  As soon as you can accept that and start establishing a new normal in your life, the better off you will be.  I fought that for months.  I loved my old normal.  I can remember that I would sit in front of the computer and just look at old pictures of our family that no longer existed. The last thing on earth that I wanted was a new normal.  As long as I fought that, I could not move on.  It was like I was stuck in quicksand.  I wasn't dying.  I had a rope tied around me, and it was safely secured to a tree.  But I could not go anywhere.  Going backwards wasn't an option because that life was no more.  Going forward wasn't an option, because I could not let go of the past.

I don't know how it happened, but one day I broke free from that land of limbo.  I think if I could sum up how I pulled out, it would be three simple things:  faith, family, and friends.  Simple, yet profound.  First of all, I have my faith.  I have a Bible full of promises that He gave to me.  Then I have family and friends that grabbed hold of that rope and pulled with all their might.  Finally, when I got to the edge of the pool of sand, I had to walk out.  I had to make a conscious decision to put the past behind and move forward in this new life full of new normals.  It did not happen overnight.  It took months.  And, of course, God continues to work and mold me every single day to fit into this new life.  But I am no longer stuck.  I am moving forward.

So what does that mean this Christmas Season?  With my new normal, there will be new traditions.  Some of the traditions are the same, just with a little twist.  Christmas Eve will come for me and the girls on December 20.  They will get their "Christmas Pajamas" that they have gotten every Christmas Eve since they were born.  But then on December 21, I will kiss them goodbye as they leave for their grandparents.  I will not see them again until Christmas night.  Do not be sad for me.  I am okay.  I am actually looking forward to some time alone.  I am surrounded by people and teenagers almost every day of my life.  So my new normal before Christmas is going to include quiet time for me.  That is a good thing.  I have so many friends.  If I get lonely, I can always go spend time with some of them.

I will go to my family in Alabama on Christmas afternoon.  The quiet will be over at that point.  The girls will come storming in to my parents' house along with my other six nieces and nephews ranging, in age from twelve to twenty-four.  It will be loud.  We will play games.  We will sing.  We will celebrate.  We will enjoy one another.

Christmas morning will be very different, as I will not be with my wonderful and amazing girls.  They are very concerned about me, but I have finally assured them that I am okay.  Last night I was at a Christmas party.  We had so much fun.  I wore an elf costume to the party.  The girls couldn't believe it.  Lily looked at me and said, "You know, normal people would wear Christmasy sweaters and jeans to a Christmas party."  But this is my "new normal," and if I want to dress like an elf for the party, well then, I am going to dress like an elf!  The party was a success.  We laughed and enjoyed each others company immensely.  My friend's husband looked at me at one point and said, "It seems like you are really content with Amy these days."  I think that sums it up.  I am content, and I am beginning to enjoy this new normal that life has brought my way.  It surely isn't where I wanted to be, but it is where I am.  So I am going to hang on and enjoy this ride and live life to the fullest every minute of every day.  And, yes, sometimes living life to the fullest means slowing down and enjoying some quiet time.

It is fitting that as I finish this blog, I am at my friends' home, the Shirers. Christmas carols are playing in the house as I watch Lily and Mrs. Leigh make cookies. It is much different from Christmases past when I was running from one party to another.  Actually, I like this better.  Enjoying quiet nights with good friends is the way Christmas should be celebrated. Yes, this new normal is a good thing.

Isaiah 43:17-19
This is what the Lord says:

Forget what happened in the past,
and do not dwell on events from long ago.
I am going to do something new.
It is already happening. Don’t you recognize it?
I will clear a way in the desert.
I will make rivers on dry land.