Life is not always a day at the fair.

Today, I had a flashback.  It happened in church.  I have no idea what triggered the memory.  It was completely random and came out of nowhere.  My mind went back to the day that we signed divorce papers.  The lawyer had asked if we needed to come separately.  We did not need to do that.  I drove to downtown Pensacola and I could not hold back the tears.

I knew the dreaded day was coming.  My lawyer had prepared me and I thought that I had prepared myself, but I had not.  It is one of those moments in life that you are never prepared for, no matter how much you try.  Actually, it felt much like the day that my best friend lost her husband to cancer.  He had been told that he was in stage four colon cancer 18 months earlier.  He took part in experimental treatments that gave their family more precious time.  But, all along the way, they were told that there was no cure.  The family got things in order.  They spent wonderful time together.  Friends and extended family loved them and supported them throughout the journey.  Hospice prepared my friend when the end was near.  He was suffering and everyone who loved him said their goodbyes and let him go.  However, there was still absolutely no way that Andrea was prepared for that moment he took his last breathe as she held his hand.  I arrived at her house about ten minutes after he died.  In spite of all the preparations, it was surreal.

I had that same feeling last July in the lawyer's office.  I have been very open about taking medication.  My doctor had prescribed me xanax to help with anxiety.  I want to be extremely careful in addressing this.  The medication is highly addictive.  It must be used wisely.  My doctor was very cautious and gave me a limited amount.  I know that some are strongly opposed to any type of medication to treat emotional issues.  I have often heard people say, "Well, a hundred years ago, people didn't have these drugs.  They just had to suck it up and deal with it."  To that, I say, "A hundred years ago, we didn't have high blood pressure medicine.  Does that mean we should not take it today?"  So, right, wrong or indifferent, I made the choice to use take the medication on a very limited basis to help me through the very difficult and panicky moments.  However, on this day, that did not even help.  There are times when we go to a bad place and there are no detours around it.  We have to make our way through it, as best we can.

I went to that place last July in the lawyer's office.  The more I signed and initialed,  the heavier my heart became.  I thought I was prepared.  I had probably received a dozen copies of a slight variation of this decree as the lawyers were tweaking it.  Yet, nothing prepared me for seeing those final papers and being there with the one who was supposed to be my partner for life as I signed my name to them, ending the partnership.  With each page that turned, more tears came.  We finally finished.  He hugged me and we got in our separate cars and went different ways.  That was it.  It was over.  I had held tightly to the old road map of my life, but now it was time to put it away and acquaint myself with the new one.

I went to my friend's house that day.  I was staying there alone for a few days.  I cried all the way to her house.  When I pulled into the driveway, I sat in the car a few minutes.  I got out, dried my tears, went inside and grabbed a diet coke.  I took a deep breath and sat down.  I picked up my computer and started writing my first blog.

Life is not always a day at the fair.  Some days just aren't fun.  After reading this blog, some of my dear friends will worry that I am having a bad day.  I am not.  I had a wonderful day at the beach all by myself.  I had time to think and pray about my life and where it is heading.  However, I know that I didn't just have this random memory for no reason.  I had that feeling all day that I needed to share the memory.  I know that many people right now are contemplating divorce.  As long as I have breath, I will encourage people to get in there in fight with all you have within you to save your marriage.  Whether you are married or single, rich or poor, healthy or sick, some days are just hard.  Going from one situation to another is not going to bring the unlimited source of happiness that we all so desperately long for.  There is only one source for that.  When we draw from His source, the other dry and parched areas of our lives are watered and over time can change from a parched wasteland to a lush oasis.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 (New Living Translation)

7 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.