The Ferris Wheel Is Closed

The bank accepted the contract on our house.  Last night, I removed my final things.  It was emotional.  I knew it would be.  Yet, it was one more hurdle to be crossed.

Last week, Anna went to the "old house" with me.  I had been working in the back.  The house was almost empty, with just a few odds and ends sitting here and there, remnants from my life before divorce.  Pictures were the hardest to deal with.  No one tells you what you should do with wedding moments.  Additionally, there were souvenirs from family vacations, sweet memories that have now become bittersweet.  

I was caught up in deep contemplation over the fate of these items, when I walked into the family room to find Anna sitting in a folding chair where our sofa once sat.    Phone in hand, in mid text, she looked up at me.  She knew what I was wondering.  Looking at me with a half smile, she said, "I'm just sitting where I used to sit."  She looked around the room and then decided that the chair should be forward about six inches.  "There! This is the exact spot where I would have sat  if the couch were still here."  For a few moments, she needed to remember, as did I.

I went back to work, sorting and questioning all the items from our past.  Here was the difficulty.  You must divorce yourself from the past.  You have to move forward.  At the same time, for the sake of your children, you must marry some elements from your past into your future so that they do not lose the sense of who they were for all those years.  So, I pack the wedding pictures and the souvenirs.  I do not want them, but I need to save them for the girls.  

I realized in that moment, the Ferris Wheel is not temporarily closed. It has been disassembled and is no longer a part of the Fair.  It was sad at first, and still is at times.  But, my friends and family of old joined me.  They held my hand and walked me through the fair, reminding me of things about myself that I had forgotten.  Friends of new met me at the Zipper.  They encouraged me to find new rides and experience them to the fullest.  Then the circus Ringmaster stepped out.  He said, "I have so much to show you.  You will know fullness of life, like you never dreamed was possible.  But, first, my child, you have to walk away from the lonely spot where the Ferris Wheel once sat."

One week later, I walked out of the house.  I do not plan to go back there again.   I closed the garage door and can now finally close the book.  The epilogue was written, tying up loose ends.  I heard  it hinted of a sequel.   I am certain it will be more fulfilling than the first.  How is that possible?  Because I am not dwelling on the past.  I am stepping into the circus with the Ringmaster and anxiously awaiting all that He has planned for me.

Isaiah 43:18-19
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.” (NIV)

Don’t be afraid to keep moving on,
For what was before, now has gone,
God wants to accomplish so much more,
But we need to move forward in the Lord.
© By M.S. Lowndes, Based on Isaiah 43:18-19

Step Right Up....You gotta see this one, folks!

Tonight, our fair featured a sideshow.  Yes, I am certain many would have paid to see this debacle.

I had a wonderful dinner last night with two good friends.  I arrived home to a jug of syrup sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor.  I thought it was odd, but I was not surprised.  I have raised two wonderful girls, but when it comes to them keeping things neat and orderly around the home, I have failed miserably.  Having accepted that fact, I shrugged and made a note to self to put the syrup away in the cabinet once I emptied my arms and checked on the girls.

I stopped at Lily's room first.  With big wide eyes, she said, "Mom.  The scariest thing happened tonight.  There was a huge spider in the kitchen,"  as she holds her hands forming a circle the size of a softball.  "AND, it was one of those jumping spiders.  Every time I got close, it would jump at me."  She goes on to tell me that our precious little Shihtzu wanted to eat it. With no remorse at all she says, "And, I was going to let her eat it, but then it started jumping at her and she got scared and ran away."  With a great sense of accomplishment, she squared her shoulders and said, "I got it though.  I took the bottle of syrup from the pantry and squished it."  I just sighed deeply.

I decided at that point to check on Anna who was suspiciously missing.  She was not in any part of the house and had not answered when I called out to her on several occasions.  I knew what was in store for me.  She was hiding and waiting patiently to jump out and scare me.  I insist that every time she startles me, I am certain that she takes at least two weeks off my life span.  Yet, she continues to take great pleasure in giving me a fright.  As I peeped around various corners, I prepared myself.  I knew it was coming, so I would not be taken by surprise.  Here is the thing about Anna.  While she is one of the most impatient people that God has ever put on the face of this earth, when it comes to startling her mother, she has the patience of ten Jobs!  She waited it out for about ten minutes until I had finally dropped my guard and accepted the fact that a fright was forthcoming.  I walked into my bedroom and she jumped out from behind my door.  I projected a bloodcurdling scream that was loud enough to alert all the neighbors as I had mild heart attack.

When I prepared the morning coffee, I noticed the syrup bottle on the kitchen floor.  I picked it up and there was the tiny corpse of the ferocious, jumping spider.  It was about half the size of a dime.  As I chuckled at the mental image of Lily and Lulu fighting the beast, I felt a sense of satisfaction in my soul.  I thought to myself that we have truly survived the storm and built a new life.  There is very little that is normal and ordinary about this life, but I love every quirky minute of it.

Psalm 30:5 says that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. It was a very dark night for us, but thanks be to God and many amazing people in my life, our morning has come.

All Hope Is NOT Lost!

Last night, one of my student's facebook status read, "I don't want to be here anymore."  I had an idea what he was dealing with.  It was probably a breakup.  As adults, we look at such relationships as trivial and flighty.  However, to the broken hearted teen, it is anything but trivial.  Momentarily, he has lost all hope.

How does Webster define hope?  Hope is a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment.  It is a wonderful thing to have hope for a given situation.  The situation may be grave.  Doctors say there is a 90% mortality rate.  Yet, the deep seated hope within us says that there is still a chance of survival.  The chance may be small, but hope clings to that chance and believes that it will happen.

What are we to do when we realize that the expectation will not become a reality.  The alternate reality stares us in the face, taunting us, "Why did you even dare to hope?"  At that moment, we are tempted to lose all hope.  Look at all the wasted energy that went into hoping.  Now what?...  Now, my friend, you cling to the whisper of a thought that you will not always feel the despair that you are currently experiencing.

I drive thirty minutes out into the country to teach. The first year I taught, I would get to work very early. Every morning, I would pass by Alexis as she was standing at the end of her road waiting for the school bus. We didn't even know each other's name, but that was our first connection.

Since then, I have had the privilege to teach her.  We had our good days that year, when we laughed and learned much. However, life also dealt us both some bad days. During those times, it just wasn't much fun. She and I have a special saying that we shared on such days: Tomorrow will be a better day!

It is a simple a statement of hope. In the moment, for whatever reason, you feel as though a black hole has opened up and swallowed you into the chaos of darkness and nothingness.  You have no reason to believe that you will ever feel better again.  But, you make a conscious choice to believe that you will not stay stuck in the quagmire. It usually starts out as a state of mind. There may not be one shred of evidence that life will get better. In actuality, it seems to only have the possibility to get worse.

A good friend gave me a wonderful illustration. She said, imagine that you are in a dark tunnel. You look down that seemingly endless darkness and see nothing. Then you look again. There it is! At the very end is one small ray of light squeezing its way through the keyhole that will eventually be your escape from the darkness. It is then that you can say, "Yes, tomorrow will be a better day."

Life can take many things away from you, but there is one thing that noone or nothing can ever steal from you:  Hope.  I believe Martin Luther King, Jr said it best, "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Psalm 71:14 (New International Version, ©2010)

14 As for me, I will always have hope;

I will praise you more and more.

I loved them all.

As I was working on a sewing project last week, I placed a small bowl on the table beside the machine.  When I cut excess thread, I would drop the pieces into the bowl.  A couple of hours into the project, there was a small mound of thread.  I looked at it and smiled.  It was Mrs. Mattie Lou that taught me that trick many years ago.  I was a young mother and she was a member of our church.  When it came to sewing, she was more than a seamstress.  She was an artist. 

I loved being a pastor's wife and truly felt as though God had placed me right where I was supposed to be.   When my marriage ended, that role ended as well.  Initially, I struggled greatly with that.  I truly enjoyed the opportunity to have so many wonderful people as a part of my life.  The wealth of knowledge that I have gained from so many of those wise parishoners has greatly shaped me into the person that I am today. 



My dear Elizabeth

 Before there was extreme couponing, it was Elizabeth who taught me how to shop the sale papers.  She was the one who taught me that $0.79/lb was a really good price for chicken.  I still think of her when I bake her squash casserole or chicken pot pie.  Often, I quote her when I ask someone to pray for something, "If the Lord reminds you, would you please pray for..."

I guess God saw that I was lacking in self discipline, so he brought Jan into my life when we pastored in Montgomery.  Every morning at 5:10, she was waiting by my driveway.  We were off for a brisk two mile walk.  This was no morning stroll, mind you!  It was a hustle.  She was a few years older and many years wiser than this young mother.  When I complained about a church member that I thought was being incredibly different to deal with, she would just smile and chuckle a little and say, "Amy, just be glad you are not them."  I have sure used that line many times in the years that followed.

In Slapout, He continued to bring more good friends into my life.  Karen taught me that you can let go of bitterness, even when you have been greatly wronged.  Alice taught me how to cook incredible fried rice and egg rolls.  Ms. Jo showed me how to cling to your faith even after losing your only child and husband within a few short months.  Whenever I am tempted to lose heart, I think of many of these dear friends and it gives me a little boost to carry on.

This list is by no means exhaustive.  There were so many others that added so much spice to the flavor of my life.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of all that I have gained.  Above all, I am thankful for the love and compassion that been poured out to me through the years. 

There is rarely a month that passes without Charles giving me a call.  He was an older member of the Baptist congregation in Slapout, but we called him one of our own.  When he calls, he always ends the conversation by saying, "You know God loves you and you know I do too."  I do know that he loves me and that has given me great comfort during some very difficult moments.

With just as much strength and certainty as God brought the call to be a the wife of a minister to me, he released me.  That was a wonderful part of my life, but I no longer miss being in that role.  He has moved me to different areas of minister and I never look back with longing, only gratitude.

Mrs. Mattie Lou taught me just about everything I know about sewing.  I would proudly take my completed projects to her.  The first thing she would do was turn them inside out.  She always said that they should look as good on the inside as they did on the outside.  Even though she was holding a small smocked dress in her hands, she was teaching me about life.  At times, each and every one of us are going to have our lives turned inside out for the world to see.  I learned from Mrs. Mattie Lou, that I should live my life in such a way, that when those times comes, the world will see ragged and torn edges that have been beautiful finished by the hand of the Master Tailor.

Dear God, will there be No-See-Ums in heaven?

I can hardly focus on writing this blog, because my legs have been eaten alive by No-See-Ums. My gracious neighbor came over to get my pool pump working and the Family Ceratopogonidae spotted dinner! I have these nice, meaty legs. When I was 13, my grandmother said, "You got fat legs just like ya PaPaw had. But, they'll be purty when yur older. You won't have those bad veins." Can I tell you that the last thing that a 13 year old needs to hear is that she has fat legs, much less that they look like her grandfather's. Now that I am older, I can appreciate my fat legs, but so can the obnoxious No-See-Ums. They see me coming and I swear they call their friends to join them at this "all you can eat" buffet.

I decided to read up on these creatures. They are tiny biting flies. You don't feel the bite initially, but within a matter of moments, they begin to itch. By the time you realize that you have become dinner, it is too late. They have already feasted and you are a scratching maniac.

They usually reside around water. They often live in shrubs or you may find them in a thick layer of dead leaves. Well, I didn't realize that I am such a gracious hostess to these pesky little insects. I have a pool, so I provide them with ample water. And, lately, I have been dumping the leaves from the filter by the pool pump rather than putting them in the trash. What a relaxing little habitat I have created for them!

The article goes on to tell how to avoid them. Don't scrub your feet around in leaves. You will stir them up. While they are very difficult to see individually, sometimes you can see them swarming. In this case, shut your mouth. You might swallow or breath some in. They won't hurt you, but they might make you cough. And, frankly, who wants to think of swallowing a few hundred No-See-Ums. Also, if you see a them swarming, walk away, as they tend to locate in one general area. More extensively, you can keep your grass cut and take the dead leaves to the trash! However, the best way to avoid the insect bites is to spray on insect repellent. Don't worry, the article says that you only have to use it fall, spring and summer. Just think of the aroma of the repellent as the latest Eau de Parfum on the market. And at $6.99 for a 20 ounce can, you get a really good deal!

There are other No-See-Ums in our lives. We all have them. They are people or situations that we get in the middle of that end up causing rashes of anger, hurt feelings, discontent, etc. We can apply the same methods that we do with the real insects. First of all, keep our mouth shut. So much can be avoided if we just learn when to be quiet. Next, there are times, that we need to just walk away. We see a situation that is leading to no good, so the best thing we can do is remove ourselves. Additionally, we can check out the habitat we are creating in our lives. Are we taking the debris out to the trash or do we keep it in our heart allowing it to decay and become an inviting home for the flies of bitterness? Finally, we must remember that as Christians, we have the greatest repellent available. In John 14, Jesus promised us a helper. "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you."

I want to leave with one final thought. I have to say tonight, "God, forgive me for the times that I have been the biting insect. The one who caused pain and irritation to another." We all have worn that shoe at one time or another. I pray that God would keep me ever mindful to the way that my actions affect others.  May the Advocate who is with me, gently nudge me when I head in a direction that could cause pain.  If I do not acknowledge, may He grip me so tightly that I would feel His imprints on my heart and be able to see the pain I could cause others through His eyes.

His eye is on the sparrow.

Today was a great day.  School was so much fun.  My geometry classes worked on Tessallations.  Projects are always a nice break from the normal classwork.  One of my students went to the restroom and came back with a baby bird.  It was out of the nest and some of the other students were bothering it.  He brought inside to the safety of my classroom.  After that little guy got over the shock, he hopped around the room and chirped all day.  Two students took it home to nurse it for a couple of weeks until it could survive on its own.  They named it "Angry."  Think about it for a minute; "Angry" Bird.  (If you have a smartphone, you will understand what a creative name that is!)

This afternoon, within a thirty minute timeframe, I went from feeling happy, peaceful and excited about my weekend to depressed.  I don't mean down, I mean depressed.  Sometimes there is no explanation for why we feel this way, but this was not one of those times.  My afternoon just went downhill and left me sitting here, staring at the den wall, not even realizing that an hour had passed.

When we come to moments like this, we have choices to make.  Unfortunately, the easy choices are not usually the ones that are in our best interest.  So, as I sit here thinking about the rest of the afternoon and evening, I have decided some things.

Even though I desperately want to do these things, I am NOT going to.....

• Climb into the bed and call it a day.
• Sit on the couch staring at the television.
• Allow my mind to be a harbor for the negative thoughts.
• Skip dinner and just forget about eating.

Even though right now I don't feel like doing these things, I AM going to.....

• Read some Psalms.
• Eat something healthy. 
• Go for a walk with Lulu.  (She has the ability to lighten any mood!) 
• Start cleaning my house. 
• Go to the late movies with Lily and her friends. 
• I will go to bed around 11:30 and give myself the pleasure of sleeping in tomorrow.

If birds can be depressed, I am sure that Angry was feeling a little down when he fell out of his safe nest this morning.  He was so fortunate that a kind hearted teenage boy came along and ushered him to safety.  He could have so easily been the target of a teenager with issues who was cruel to him.  He is now safely in the home of two great kids who will do their best to take care of him and get him ready for the world.

In the same way, when I am frightened and saddened by the world I am in, I know there is One who is holding me safely in the palm of His hands.  He is nuturing me and caring for me as I travel the difficult paths of this life.  I trust that with all my heart.  I will cling to His promises and let them give me the strength to do the things I NEED to do and not the things I want to do.

I bet you can guess what scripture I will reference today!

Matthew 10:29-31 (New Living Translation)
What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

I once was lost, but now I'm found!

It was Spring Break 2011 and for a few moments, I missed being married.  I don't think about that often anymore, but on this particular day, I did.  Anna, Savannah and I made a mad dash down to Orlando so that they could spend the day at Islands of Adventure.  Everything was under control and going great.  Tickets were purchased, a hotel reservation was made and meals for my two little vegetarians were packed.

The gates had opened and I prepared  to drop them off at the park.  I thought it would be easy enough.  We were staying less than two miles from the park.  There was a problem.  Since I didn't want to pay $15 to park, I had to find drop off parking which was the same place as bus parking.  The nice attendant kept saying, "Go straight and then go left."  When I got in the lane to go straight, there were cones blocking the way.  The attendant was still friendly, but losing patience.  She kept saying, "Go straight and then go left. I was exasperated.  I rolled down my window and said, "I am so sorry, but there are cones here."  At that point she walked to the front of my car and led me in the right direction.  She wanted me in the lane that curved sharply to the right.  That was the lane that she was calling the straight lane.  Granted, that lane was the flow that the painted lines followed, but I am a very literal person.  When you tell me to go straight, I think it means to literally go straight.  Finally, I went in the attendant's straight direction and exited this parking lot.

My next directions were, "Go to Kirkman, make a U-turn, take a left and then take another left."  Let me just pause here and say that I am directionally challenged.  God gave my portion of those gifts to my sister!  At that moment, I was thinking I would never find my way to bus parking, much less, find my way into the park and pick up the tickets.  If I was able to manage all this, I seriously doubted that I would be able to find my way back to where I parked!  At that point, I looked at Anna and said, "Right now, I miss being married.  Your dad could have navigated us through all this without a moment's hesitation."

I thought about a saying that I have quoted at least a couple of times on the blog.  "Life goes on."  I found this picture yesterday when I was looking for a new background for my phone.  It reminded me of a road that I could so easily get lost on.  But, even when I am lost, at least I am going somewhere.  I have not hit a dead end.  It may take me a little time to find my way, but I will get there.

I finally made it to drop off parking.  The adventure did not end there.  We had to wait in line for almost an hour to pick up the tickets I had pre-purchased to save time.  I had to show proof of residency since I had opted for the Florida resident discount.  I had this sinking fear that my car would be towed.  I called customer service at the park and the wonderful security people assured me that they would not tow the car.  Finally, almost two hours later, I was back at the hotel.

So, yes, for a few moments, I missed being married.  And, for those moments, I was tempted to be angry about  being thrust into this situation through no choice of my own. Thankfully, the moments passed.  I drove, I turned and I conquered.  Two crazy girls were safely delivered to the park and there were helpful people all along the way.  I made a couple of unnecessary twists and turns on the adventure, but I made the destination.  I realized something in the process.  It was more than just a destination to a park, it was a destination a new place within myself.

At What Cost?

What is it going to cost me?  It is a question we ask ourselves on a daily basis. 

I propose that maybe there is a different question that we should ask ourselves.  What will my decision cost others? 

I am convinced that when I make a decision to satisfy my own fleshly desires and that action causes needless pain to others, it will never bring me happiness.  I may experience a false, worldly high for a moment in my life.  However, I have no doubt that in the end, if that high came at the expense of others, I will descend to depths that far exceed the momentary high I experienced.

My good friend and fellow math teacher has this to say:  There are few things I know with more surety than this: Make only your own happiness the center of your life, sacrifice all in order to attain it, and it will evade your every grasp.

I don't know a lot of things.  I am learning and growing every day.  One thing I know.  You will not find happiness when you seek it at the cost of devastation to others.  Let me go further and say that when  the cost is emotional harm to children, I fear we are crossing a very dangerous line.

This blog is not written in reference to my own personal life.  I am just sick and tired of watching people make decisions that bring nothing but devastation and destruction into the lives of others.

Galatians 6:7 (GOD’S WORD Translation)
Make no mistake about this: You can never make a fool out of God. Whatever you plant is what you’ll harvest.

And in the words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

Life is not always a day at the fair.

Today, I had a flashback.  It happened in church.  I have no idea what triggered the memory.  It was completely random and came out of nowhere.  My mind went back to the day that we signed divorce papers.  The lawyer had asked if we needed to come separately.  We did not need to do that.  I drove to downtown Pensacola and I could not hold back the tears.

I knew the dreaded day was coming.  My lawyer had prepared me and I thought that I had prepared myself, but I had not.  It is one of those moments in life that you are never prepared for, no matter how much you try.  Actually, it felt much like the day that my best friend lost her husband to cancer.  He had been told that he was in stage four colon cancer 18 months earlier.  He took part in experimental treatments that gave their family more precious time.  But, all along the way, they were told that there was no cure.  The family got things in order.  They spent wonderful time together.  Friends and extended family loved them and supported them throughout the journey.  Hospice prepared my friend when the end was near.  He was suffering and everyone who loved him said their goodbyes and let him go.  However, there was still absolutely no way that Andrea was prepared for that moment he took his last breathe as she held his hand.  I arrived at her house about ten minutes after he died.  In spite of all the preparations, it was surreal.

I had that same feeling last July in the lawyer's office.  I have been very open about taking medication.  My doctor had prescribed me xanax to help with anxiety.  I want to be extremely careful in addressing this.  The medication is highly addictive.  It must be used wisely.  My doctor was very cautious and gave me a limited amount.  I know that some are strongly opposed to any type of medication to treat emotional issues.  I have often heard people say, "Well, a hundred years ago, people didn't have these drugs.  They just had to suck it up and deal with it."  To that, I say, "A hundred years ago, we didn't have high blood pressure medicine.  Does that mean we should not take it today?"  So, right, wrong or indifferent, I made the choice to use take the medication on a very limited basis to help me through the very difficult and panicky moments.  However, on this day, that did not even help.  There are times when we go to a bad place and there are no detours around it.  We have to make our way through it, as best we can.

I went to that place last July in the lawyer's office.  The more I signed and initialed,  the heavier my heart became.  I thought I was prepared.  I had probably received a dozen copies of a slight variation of this decree as the lawyers were tweaking it.  Yet, nothing prepared me for seeing those final papers and being there with the one who was supposed to be my partner for life as I signed my name to them, ending the partnership.  With each page that turned, more tears came.  We finally finished.  He hugged me and we got in our separate cars and went different ways.  That was it.  It was over.  I had held tightly to the old road map of my life, but now it was time to put it away and acquaint myself with the new one.

I went to my friend's house that day.  I was staying there alone for a few days.  I cried all the way to her house.  When I pulled into the driveway, I sat in the car a few minutes.  I got out, dried my tears, went inside and grabbed a diet coke.  I took a deep breath and sat down.  I picked up my computer and started writing my first blog.

Life is not always a day at the fair.  Some days just aren't fun.  After reading this blog, some of my dear friends will worry that I am having a bad day.  I am not.  I had a wonderful day at the beach all by myself.  I had time to think and pray about my life and where it is heading.  However, I know that I didn't just have this random memory for no reason.  I had that feeling all day that I needed to share the memory.  I know that many people right now are contemplating divorce.  As long as I have breath, I will encourage people to get in there in fight with all you have within you to save your marriage.  Whether you are married or single, rich or poor, healthy or sick, some days are just hard.  Going from one situation to another is not going to bring the unlimited source of happiness that we all so desperately long for.  There is only one source for that.  When we draw from His source, the other dry and parched areas of our lives are watered and over time can change from a parched wasteland to a lush oasis.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 (New Living Translation)

7 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.

If life is a highway, I guess I gotta have a car!

I am so fortunate to work with an eclectic group of individuals.  They all bring their own very interesting dynamic into my life.  We have Benji, whom might be considered a modern day C.S. Lewis.  Where would I ever be without my girlfriend, Mel.  You had better not mess with me, or you will have to deal with her.  Trust me on this, you will not win.  The one who probably gives us the greatest quotable lines is Tony.  I think he could be a refined Larry, the Cable Guy.

Yesterday, Tony told me that I needed to go car shopping.  I have a very reliable Nissan Altima that is almost paid for and I have no intention of trading that girl in.  However, I am sure you can gather that he was not talking about a literal car.  Yes, it was an analogy.  "How are you going to know what kind of car you want if you don't go test drive a few?"  That was a starting point for a great conversation.

So, what kind of cars are out there?

Sports car:  "an open, low-built, fast motor car." The term describes a class of automobile with two seats, two doors, precise handling, brisk acceleration, and sharp braking -- trading practical considerations such as passenger space, comfort, and cargo capacity."  Who doesn't love to go for a joyride with the top down and the radio blaring?  As fun as they are, I think I will pass on the sports car.  It just isn't practical.  Since most of them are two seaters, you can only take one person along with you.  There is absolutely no room for luggage.  Even a trip to the grocery store is usually out of the question, unless all you plan to buy is milk and eggs.  They look good.  They are fast and they are fun, but they can also be extremely dangerous if not handled properly.

Luxury Cars: A vehicle that provides luxury -- pleasant or desirable features beyond strict necessity -- at increased expense.  Tony says I should focus on the luxury cars.  I admit they are nice to ride.  My dear friend has a Mercedes and you feel like you are floating down the road.  I am not too sure about this one either.  First of all, they are high maintenance.  Dealers are not readily available, so often you have to send them to another town to be worked on.  In addition, they are usually so nice, that you can't just relax and have fun.  Dirty shoes, drinks and French fries are out of the question.  We have to hold our breath and keep this thing in top notch condition.  Oh, they look good and you feel good in them.  But, I want to be able to relax.  I just don't think that a luxury car is for me.

Economy Car:  A car that is designed for low cost operation.  I know that I risk looking as if I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, but economy car doesn't sound like what I am looking for either. They are not high maintenance, but at the same time, I do want to know that I can reliably make it from Point A to Point B.  I want a car with a good track record and some economy cars don't exactly hold those.

Work Truck: A vehicle that is rated at more than 8,500 and less than or equal to 10,000 pounds gross vehicle weight, and is not a medium-duty passenger vehicle.  A work truck is reliable and there to help you get the job done.  It might not be the flashiest vehicle on the block, but it can take care of business.  Tony says that a work truck might not be thrilling like a sports car, but it is multi purpose.  You can use it for work all day long.  Then you can clean it up and take it into town for a night out.  It sounds nice in theory, but I can't see myself in a work truck.

I am so confused now.  Maybe I just need to get an El Camino, half car and half truck.

Alas, I have considered all my options and I still am not really sure what I want.  I guess that is because I hadn't exactly planned on car shopping.  I was pleased with the one I had.  It suited me well.  But, it broke down and can't be fixed.

I have never wanted to be the one to make the decision when shopping for a car.  It is a major investment. I always felt like whatever I picked, I would have "buyer's remorse."  Well, my friends, the next time I purchase my proverbial car, I plan on it being the last.  I don't want there to be any remorse on my part or the car's part.  That is just not a responsibility that I am willing to take.

So, what is a gal to do?  I am going to do the best thing I know to do:  let the One who knows me best pick out my car.  He knows my deepest desires, needs and hopes.  After all, He is the One who knit me together in my mother's womb.  He knows what will fit me best, meet all my needs and give me a thrilling ride at the same time.  So, I think I will hand Him the checkbook and let Him do the shopping for me. I have no doubt that He will put me in the perfect vehicle, be it a sports car, a work truck or even an El Camino.

In the meantime, He is letting me ride with Him.  I like His car.  It is comfortable, exciting and reliable, all at the same time.   So, I will coast along in this top of the line ride until He decides to hand me the keys to my new (or at my age, I guess I should say used) car.

In the words of Rascal Flatts, "Life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it all night long."

A Time to Grieve

If my marriage had survived, I would have been married 22 years on Friday.  I wonder how long I will calculate the years.  We often do this when we have lost family members.  "Granny would have been 97 if she were still alive."  Even more disheartening, "He would have graduated from high school this year."   It just seems to be a natural thing to do when we have lost something or someone that meant so much to us.

I try to convince myself that the single life has its perks, and actually it does.  I tell my friends how nice it is to not have to answer to anyone.  I do enjoy being able to make spontaneous plans and not have to clear them with anyone. But, the reality is that I will always grieve the death of my marriage. Time makes it easier.  Many people told me this and they spoke the truth. It is like a deep wound.  Over time it heals and there is only a scar left.  With months and years, the scar even fades. Yet, it never goes away. If you look closely, you will still see it, ever so faintly.

My marriage was so ingrained into who I was and who I thought I would always be, that the "would be" anniversary will be difficult for a while.   However, the key word in that sentence is "was." It is over and I must continue to move forward. I will acknowledge the grief, but I will not to live there.  I am going to get up and work my way through the mound of laundry across the room.  I am going to put some color on these gray roots that are beginning to show.  (A good color job always makes me feel better!)  Tomorrow, I will go to the beach with two dear friends that always make me laugh.  But, first, I am going to close out this blog and give myself a few minutes to grieve.  I will not grieve alone.  I will share my cares with God.

1 Peter 5:7 (New Living Translation)
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Kickingwoman settles a very old score!

I am the ghost of Kickingwoman. I was the beloved squaw who was married to the chief of our tribe, Little Turtle. I loved him, and he loved me. We lived together for just two short years, when one day some evil and despicable pirates found their way into our wonderful life. They tried to kill my Little Turtle. I told him to run and hide, and true to my name, I fought and kicked them with all my might. Little Turtle cowered in the back corner of our teepee. He wasn't a coward; he was just little!

After a long fight, I began to get tired. My kicks became slower and softer. The pirates finally wore me down. A very dashing pirate with crystal blue eyes pulled out his sword and pierced me in my heart. After raiding our teepees, they left. Thankfully, my Little Turtle was so small that they never saw him. But he was never to be the same again. He grieved Kickingwoman the rest of his days. He buried my body right outside our teepee. He planted a tree over my grave and would sit by that tree every day and grieve for me. When he grew old, the tree offered some shade to his poor, frail little body.

My body lay at rest there for many years until just a few days ago. That same tree that had provided shade to my Little Turtle and rest to my soul was cruelly taken down. My soul felt pain with every branch that was severed. Now I was in search of the one who has disturbed my eternal rest. I drifted into the room of the young one, but the spirits told me that he was not the one. Then I felt the presence of the one who once took my life. I floated toward the presence and found the room of a pirate. It was not the one who took my life, but as I hovered over the bed, he opened his eyes in his sleep. I would recognize those blue eyes anywhere. It was the great, great grandson of the pirate who ended my time with Little Turtle.  Finally, there could be vengeance for my death. At last I could settle the score and get revenge for the grief that my death caused my Little Turtle all of his days.

There was only one way to escape the retribution of Kickingwoman. There were two pure souls who helped take down the tree that my Little Turtle planted. One could make amends with my weary soul, by compensating these two untarnished beings. Through offerings to the two innocents, one could make amends for the vile act of his great, great grandfather, and my soul could once again be at rest. Otherwise, Kickingwoman could only find rest through revenge on the pirate’s descendant who took away the tree that beloved Little Turtle planted.

I believe that an offering of $1000 each will be sufficient in restitution for the heinous acts of those ancestors.  I trust that descendant will make the right decision. He does not want the ghost of Kickingwoman taking revenge on him!

Timber!

I have failed the photo challenge.  I just didn't have the ambition to get past day four.   If I have to fail at something, it may as well be a thirty-day photo challenge.  I can think of much worse things to fail.

I had an interesting weekend.   I watched with nervous anticipation as my friend, David, shimmied up a Turkey Oak and took it down one branch at a time.  I was on the ground with his son, Jonathan, where things were much safer.  However, as David climbed higher, the pressure on us got a little more intense.  Once he reached the big limbs toward the top of the tree, he could not just cut them and let them fall.  His neighbor is about to do an addition to her house, but I don't think a skylight is in the plans!  So ropes were tied to the branches, and it became the task of Jonathan and me to pull the massive branches away from the house as David was cutting them down.

By this point, I am quite certain that David was feeling seriously shortchanged. My father is a logger.  I am pretty sure that he thought I would have some idea about how this whole process worked.  If that is what he thought, then he thought wrong.  Then there was Jonathan down on the ground with me.  He is fourteen and brilliant with computers; however, like me, his tree removal skills leave a little to be desired.  However, we wanted to help and do our part in the challenge at hand.

The first couple of limbs Jonathan handled on his own and did a great job!  He pulled them right where they needed to go.  Then the limbs got higher and heavier.  That was when things became a bit more nerve-wracking.  David told me to tie a second loop in the rope and help Jonathan.  I looked at Jonathan.  He looked at me.  Neither of us had a clue how to tie a loop.  (Do not ask us how many Wildnerness Girl or Boy Scout badges we have earned.) So from forty feet in the top of the tree, David ever so patiently talked me through the process.  He had to be getting frustrated, but he never showed it.  "Okay, take your left hand and hold the left side of the rope.  Take you right hand and bring the other rope about two feet above your left hand."  He gave me about five more very precise and detailed directions, and I ended up with an amazing loop. 

We were ready.  We had been given a mission, and we had accepted it.  Just before David started cutting the limb, I had to stop for a picture.  Jonathan said, "Yeah, we need a picture.  This could be the last one before we die if that big limb lands on us!"  It was time to do the deed.  David cut the limb.  Jonathan and I pulled with all our might and went about two feet before landing flat on our behinds in a big pile of leaves.  We surveyed the damage.  The roof was saved, but the limb did make a small hole in the neighbor's shed and take out a small piece of her fence.  However, the worst collateral damage was the big split in the middle of the  large Tea Olive outside her bathroom window.  Jonathan suggested that we just duct tape it back together, but I am not sure how that would work out!

We finally came to the last limb.  It made the previous one look like a baby.  David spent about twenty minutes surveying it and trying to decide where would be the best place to cut and which direction we should pull from.  He finally had it all mapped out and then said to us, "You can keep from falling down if you will put your arms behind you to pull the rope and face forward as you pull the limb down."  We had not thought of that.  We positioned ourselves just as he said.  Jonathan looked at me and said, "I'm scared."  I agreed.  David cranked the saw.  We were literally shaking.  He cut for about thirity seconds and yelled, "Pull!"  We ran and pulled with all our might, and we didn't fall.  We pulled the limb down just to the perfect spot where David had planned for it to go.  We were so excited and satisfied with our accomplishment.

I thought about that experience today and realized that it is so much like life and our walk with God.  I felt pretty useless down on the ground.  I did not have a clue what I was doing and felt as if I really weren't much help at all.  I am pretty sure Jonathan felt the same way.  Yet there is no doubt that David needed us down on the ground to help him get the job completed.  We may not have been the most qualified helpers, but our hearts were in it, and that was all that really mattered.

You know, God needs each and every one of His followers to help Him carry out His work here on earth below.  We may feel completely inept at the task that He is asking us to do.  We surely aren't the first ones who have felt this way.  Moses felt completely unqualified when God called him to lead the Isrealites out of Egypt.  He even argued with God about it several times.  Even after God gave him miraculous signs, he still said, "But, God, I get tongue tied and I stumble all over my words."  Yet, he was the one whom God wanted.  God assured Moses that He would instruct him throughout the journey.

In the same way, sometimes God calls us to situations for which we feel we will never be ready.  I think we have to be very careful and seek God with all of our hearts.  I have often seen people venture off into areas where they felt God was calling them to something only to experience failure.  Sometimes it is our own desires that we mistake for God's calling.  However, if we have sought Him diligently and we continue to feel that burning call to carry out a work for Him, then maybe He is calling us to that ministry.  It could be anything from volunteering in a homeless shelter to going overseas for mission work.  He often calls us to those areas where we feel the least qualified.  Why on earth would He do this?  I think the apostle Paul answered that question when he said, "His strength is made perfect in my weakness."  One thing is certain.  When God calls us to do a work for Him, He will give us what we need to accomplish the task at hand.  He will guide us every step of the way.  We just have to listen and follow Him.

This weekend when we didn't know what to do, David ever so patiently talked us through step by step.  I just hate that it took us until the last limb to finally figure it out.  But that is okay.  We listened along the way.  We made mistakes, but we learned from those mistakes.  We finished the task and felt satisfaction at being a part of the process.  I want to serve God in that same way, listening and learning as He uses me to carry out the work He has called me to do!

May all who call ourselves Christians strive to one day hear the words from Matthew 25:23.  Well done, good and faithful servant....enter thou into the joy of the Lord.




Jonathan and I decided to leave a bill for all our hard work!




30 Day Photo Challenge: Day Four

Day Four:  A picture of your night.

I couldn't think of one picture of my nights.  They seem to be made up of a million things.  Last night I went to an appointment in Pensacola, came home and straightened some around the house.  I washed a load of clothes and unloaded the dishwasher.  The bills were screaming for attention, so I tended to those before working on taxes.  There were still dozens of chores, but I abandoned them for some attention to myself and went for a long run.  It was a beautiful night.  The moon was shining bright, and there were stars out.  As I was approaching home, I decided to stop by and visit my neighbor, JoJo.  She was already in bed but not asleep.  I got something to drink from her frig and hopped on the other side of the bed.  We had the nicest visit.  I came home and showered because I stunk to high heaven.  I folded clothes and made the coffee with a sigh.  It was a sure reminder that five a.m. would roll around all too quickly, and I would do it all over again.  

As I walked to the bed, I looked around.  In spite of everything I did, I still didn't come close to getting it all done.  I have just accepted the fact that I no longer have it all together.  Things were not always this way.  In the past, my nights consisted of half the chores followed by curling up on the couch with the family as we watched our favorite shows.  My night's picture could have been more aptly a pretty package with a big beautiful bow.  The day's activities were all wrapped up.  The loose ends were all tied and the loops were closed.  

Now my night looks more like the splatter-paint picture.  It is a mess, but it is a beautiful mess.  It has character in its own crazy way and depth that the pretty package was seriously lacking. 

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day Three

So, with the busyness of life, I have fallen behind in my 30 Day Photo Challenge.  But, I am not a quitter when it comes to a challenge.  I will finish.

Day 3:  A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Now, I had to think long and hard about this one. When my mind traveled back through the years, this was the show that topped them all.

The "Wonder Years" aired on ABC from 1988-1993 and followed the life of American teen, Kevin Arnold, through his junior high and high school years from 1968-1973. It ended when Kevin and his friends graduated.  This is very different from today's shows where students stay in high school for eight years because the show just will not end.

It was an innocent show about the struggles and triumphs of Kevin his friends Paul and Winnie.  It was one of those shows that just left you feeling good.  I wish we had more shows like this today!

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day Two

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

We knew how to do BIG hair!

This picture was taken our senior year in high school, but my friendship with Andrea goes back much further than May 1986.  I think the first time that I met her, I was six years old.  Her mother brought her over for a play date.  We bonded immediately and have been friends for life ever since.

Andrea is a red head and I am a brunette.  I stand about 5'3" tall and she is about 5'8".  We are quite the combination.  When we were little, my grandfather enjoyed telling people that we were both his grandchildren.  He loved how people reacted to our striking differences.

I pulled out my high school yearbook today. Here were Andrea's words to me. "One thing I am sure about is our friendship.  It has lasted 12 long years and it is just beginning.  I know that it is strong enough to last throughout whatever life throws our way or where it takes us."  We had no idea at the time how prophetic her words would be.  We both assumed that our difficult life moments would be things such as dealing with difficult children  and losing our parents.  Never in a million years did we think that we would face the two big Ds:  Death and Divorce.  Andrea lost her husband when he was thirty nine years old after he fought a long, courageous battle with cancer.  I lost my marriage of over two decades to the epidemic of divorce.

I cannot help but wonder, did God destine us to be best friends because He knew the trials that we both would endure?  I don't know.  That could be argued for hours on end between stubborn theologians.  This is what I do know.  We have both suffered great loss, and we have both survived.  I thank God for my feisty friend, and I love her dearly.  No matter what, she knows how to make me feel better.  I hope that I do the same for her!

Proverbs 17:17 (New International Reader's Version)

A friend loves at all times.
He is there to help when trouble comes.

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day One

In the hustle and bustle of life, I have neglected the blog lately.  Lily is taking part in a thirty-day photo challenge on Facebook.  I thought it might be a fun way to get active with the blog again.

Day One:  A picture of yourself with ten facts.

1.  I love people. Red and yellow, black and white, I love them all.  I have friends with white collars, blue collars, and red necks.  I have dined with wealthy families in breathtaking homes, and I have had supper with a family while sitting on a five-gallon bucket turned upside down.  I have loved all those experiences, and I am richer for them.

2.  It hurts my heart when people make fun of any of these groups of people.  I just don't understand why people feel that is necessary.

3.  I have at least thirty children and counting.  I gave birth to two of them.  The others know me as "second mom."  They all make my life fulfilling and exciting.

4.  I am single.  After twenty-one years of marriage, it still feels so weird to say that.  But I can now say it and be content with where I am.  I am single, and my life is good.

5.  I have no idea where I will be in three years.  After my girls graduate, there is nothing holding me back.  I can go where the current takes me.  That is kind of exciting!

6.  I have a hate/love relationship with running.  I hate it when I am out there feeling as if I am about to die, but I love it when I finish and experience that amazing "runner's high."

7.  I want people to know that no matter what happens in your life and no matter what you lose or have taken from you, there is one thing that no one can take away from you:  hope.  No matter how dark the days seem, there is always hope for a better tomorrow.  The "better tomorrow" may be weeks, months or even years away, but do not let anyone tell you that it is not there.  Guard that knowledge with that hope deep inside you that is yours and cannot be taken away.

8.  If I had to choose a last meal, it would be my mother's fried chicken, Elizabeth's yeast rolls, my Granny's lane cake.  Of course, it would be topped off with an ice cold diet coke that had been placed in the freezer just long enough to be a little slushy!

9.  For fifteen years as a pastor's wife, I lived life in a fish bowl.  Looking back, it seemed as if the bowl kept getting smaller as the observers increased.  I am now out of that bowl and swimming in the ocean, and I never dreamed it could feel so good.  One of my favorite memories of 2010 was attending a Christmas Eve service with a special friend.  I was a face in the huge crowd, and it was an amazing experience.  It was just me, my friend, and God.  I was able to go and truly worship and prepare my heart for Christmas Day.

10. In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.  I hope Robert Frost doesn't mind my borrowing his quote for my tenth fact.  I would like to add that not only does life go on, but with the healthy combination of faith, family, and friends, it can be better than it was before. Marilyn Monroe had a similar view to this.  She once said, "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."  I don't quite agree with her.  I think it would be better said, "When things fall apart, if we lay the  broken pieces in God's Hands, He can cause better things to fall together!"

Having the time of my life, every single day!

We live in a culture that has romanticized life.  It is not truly satisfying unless we are engaged in some type of thrilling adventure, blissful romance, dream vacation, etc.  Society has even given a phrase for such moments:  the time of my life.  These times may satisfy our endless desires for a brief moment, but they are fleeting.  All too quickly, they slip away and leave us waiting and wishing for the next glorious "time of our life" moment.

I am just as guilty as the next person.  I teach school, and sometimes I fear that I wish my life away. I find myself saying, "Only two more weeks until Christmas break."  Then I count down the days until it finally arrives.  I have the time of my life during that break, but soon it is over.  I find myself driving back to school longing for spring break, where my next big adventure awaits.

A young friend on Facebook posted a status yesterday that got me to thinking about all of this.  Is it the time of our life or our life at the time?  When I first read the question, it didn't click with me.  Then I read it again, and it made all the sense in the world.  Instead of longing and wishing for those special "time of my life" moments, why do I not  celebrate life in every precious day that God has given me?
I started thinking about all the "life at the time" moments that I can celebrate, even on a dreary Monday morning.

• Taking a few extra minutes in the morning to walk in and just look at my beautiful, sleeping daughters. They are so quickly becoming young women.  But when I see them serenely sleeping, they are still my baby girls for that precious moment.
• Watching with joy as one of my students who has struggled for months finally "gets it."  I celebrate that deep satisfaction in being a small part of the process of "turning on the lightbulb" in those young minds.
• I want to make random strangers smile, especially when they look as if they are having a bad day.  
• I want my laughter to be easily recognized.  I don't want to be wound so tightly in my classroom that I cannot relax and laugh when a student says something funny.
• Even mundane tasks like cleaning house have more life if I am singing at the top of my lungs.

We need to be more intentional about looking for ways to celebrate our lives at the precious given time.  Honestly, sometimes it is easier to be negative about life and always wish for that "time of our life" moment to make everything better.  I have learned many things in my life, but one thing stands out.  Those people who celebrate life and look for positive ways to treasure the moments we are given seem to be the happiest and most content people.  I hope that I can be that person.

I came across this beautiful poem today.  I believe that it explains this concept better than I ever could.

The Best Day Of My Life

Gregory M Lousignont

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.

I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.

Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me.

I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.

And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.

As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

Ecclesiastes 8:15 (GOD’S WORD Translation)

So I recommend the enjoyment of life. People have nothing better to do under the sun than to eat, drink, and enjoy themselves. This joy will stay with them while they work hard during their brief lives which God has given them under the sun.

A Stop at the Carousel

Last weekend I felt as if I were on the Carousel. Up and down, around and around, but getting nowhere, always ending up right back where I started. There was so much I wanted and needed to get done, but it just didn't happen. Sunday night came all too quickly. Time to begin a new week and I felt like I was starting out behind.  Will I ever get back to the organized, together woman that I used to be?  Will my house ever look like it once did?

I guess I am just feeling a bit melancholic. Last night I began reading Elizabeth Edwards' book, Resilience.  You may not agree with the political views that she held, but you cannot deny the fact that the woman faced adversity in her life.  She quoted someone who once told her, "The road map that we hold in our hands for our lives does not always contort to the road we are actually traveling."

Most days I have a pretty good handle on this new road that I am traveling.   But there are other days when I cling to the old map and get lost looking for the roads that no longer exist.  Thank heavens those days are not frequent.  But I would be lying to myself and everyone else if I said they never come.  Those are the days that seem to land me on the Carousel.

Don't misunderstand me.  I think that it is perfectly acceptable to take a little break from life and go for a relaxing ride.  None of us can ever have it all together all the time.  Becoming a single mother has taught me one thing.  I am vincible.  I am capable of being defeated.  At those times when I feel most vulnerable, picking out my favorite horse and taking a spin while daydreams of better days fill my mind can be a welcome relief.  However, I can't linger.  There are bills to be paid, clothes to be washed, and students to be taught.

Today is Monday.  I hopped off the Carousel this morning and had a good day at work.  I even came home and did a few household chores.   I am trying to convince myself to go for a run, but the Carousel is beckoning me to come.  At this point I am not sure what will win out.

There is one thing I do know.  God will give me the strength to do the things that I need to do.  And when the times come that I have to rest, He will help me fill in all the essential blanks to take care of the necessary tasks.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (New Living Translation)

Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

That was then and this is now!

January 19, 2010, I started on a journey that was not of my choosing. "I don't love you the way that you love me." How can ten simple words forever alter the course of one's life? I can remember everything about that moment. I was sitting on my bed and asked him if there was anything wrong. After a long silence, I heard those dreadful words. From that moment on, my life was never to be the same.

Five weeks and four counseling sessions later, I was told that the marriage was over. I thought that I would never recover from the devastating storm that blew up ever so quickly in my life. The first six months of 2010 just seem like a blur. The blur was colored with heartbreak, sickness, emptiness, loneliness, and fear. My world was collapsing on me, and the weight of it was nearly suffocating. I loved my ex-husband with everything that was within me. There was not one part of me that wanted the divorce. My heart was shattered, and I was sure it would never be restored again. Yet these were the cards I was dealt, and I had to play them.

That was then, and this is now. As I sit here tonight, I am content. God, my family, and my wonderful friends have seen me through the dark valley. My granny used to tease us when we were little. If we cried, she would hold out her hands and say, "Make me a cry pie." I made a five-course "cry" meal several times. Now I have no tears left for him. God has released me. I will always care about my ex-husband as the father of my children, but it ends there.

My fellow math teacher and good friend, Benji, says this: Just because you don't find gold at the end of the rainbow doesn't mean there is no such thing as gold.

I found the end of my rainbow last March. I fought to get there, but there was no pot of gold. I stood there thinking my life was over. I was stranded in the middle of a desolate forest. It was cold and dark.  I was at the end of the rainbow and there was absolutely nothing there. But God spoke to my heart.

I still have gold for you, my child. It is not just a pot of gold. It is an abundance. You will not find it at the end of this rainbow, but if you will take my hand, I will lead you to it. The journey will not be as easy as following a rainbow to its end. There will be times when it will be dark and frightening, but remember that I am with you. I will always be with you. However, know that with Me, it is not going to be a pot of gold that we are looking for.  You see, I will give you the gold all throughout the journey.  My supply is endless.  You will always have exactly what you need.  And one day, when you leave this earth, you will find the pot of gold that you have been so desperately searching for, and it will be greater than anything you could have ever imagined in your limited earthly mind.  On this earth no eye has ever seen and no ear has ever heard of the greatness that I have prepared for you on that glorious day."

So I took His hand.  There have been times when the road has been dark and scary.  However, there have also been moments where the views have taken my breathe away.  But here is one truth that I have found.  He has met my every need, be it emotional, physical, or financial.  He has held to His promise and been by my side every day.  There have been days when, out of fear, I have wandered away.  The journey wasn't going in the direction that I felt it needed to go.  So I decided to try a little side road.  That didn't work out too well for me.  But He was right there when I went running back to Him. I may be a slow learner, but I am learning.  Sometimes His thoughts are not my thoughts, but in those moments I have to trust Him.  My thoughts will only lead me to a dead end.  I turn around and run back to Him, but look at the time that I wasted on the journey in search of my own pot of gold.

January 2010 was then, and January 2011 is now.  I made it through my year from hell.  I learned many lessons last year!  But the greatest lesson of all is this.  I am not in control of my future.  I cannot plan it out like a summertime road trip.  But there is One who does know my future.

So, I will take His hand and let Him lead.  Sometimes, we will follow a rainbow.  Other times, we may go down the dark path.  One thing is certain.  He will guide me where I need to go.